


The Problem With Dirty Jenga

by NightWriter93



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Charlie is a good guy!, Eggsy Unwin as Galahad, Gen, Harry Hart Lives, Harry Hart as Arthur, Kingsman: TGC never happened, Pure Crack, Tumblr Prompt, dirty jenga, rated high just to be safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-02-26 07:17:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13230711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightWriter93/pseuds/NightWriter93
Summary: Honestly it was all Eggsy’s fault, him and his damn tumblr. Somehow he convinced four agents to play Dirty Jenga with him and now it’s turned into a different game to see how far they can push their luck.





	1. Just A Peck

Charlie yawned as he walked down the hallways of the Kingsman HQ, he just got back from a mission in Cuba and was feeling jetlag something fierce. He had his glasses in the Tech Department getting fix, so his face was bare as he rubbed it while passing Eggsy’s in House room, as he did he heard “That’s not fair Bruv!” “Sorry Eggsy. I don’t kiss boys”

Wait…what?

Charlie paused where he stood a few steps past his door, he turned and knocked on it; he opened the door and walked in when allowed. He arched an eyebrow at the Jenga set between the two agents “What are you guys doing?” “Playing Jenga” Roxy stated with a sly smirk “Dirty Jenga. Eggsy found this version on his Tumblr” Charlie arched an eyebrow and stated “How do you make it Dirty?” Eggsy glanced up at his fellow knight and remembered that Charlie came from a rather...posh family, he smiled up at him and began to explain “Ya see Bruv, each block has a something marked on it. There’s fifty-four blocks so den fifty-four dirty things t’ do; ya havta’ do wha’ ya pulled otherwise ya get the penalty of a good ass slap ‘nd each block is with one point”

Charlie nodded slowly, that sounded like fun actually. “And why were you complaining about not being fair?” Eggsy held up the block and Charlie read the neat writing before he read it out “Make out?” Eggsy chuckled “yep. So I would havta’ make out with the other player but Roxy isn’t having’ it” He glared at Roxy who smirked “Tuff shit, so Charlie. Wanna play with us?” Charlie looked between the two younger agents, he could only think what is mother would think, at the thought he arched his eyebrow and stated “Sure, but we’re starting over” they both smiled and quickly set up the game again, as they did Charlie removed his tailored jacket and hung it up next to Eggsy’s.

Charlie removed his oxfords and slipped on a pair of House slippers Eggsy pointed out for him, he sat on the plush cream colored carpet between Eggsy and Roxy. “What’s the brace for?” Eggsy looked at his right hand in question before he laughed embarrassed and stated “I uh...sprained it” “On a mission?” Roxy laughed and stated “No he sprained it freerunning, Arthur was pissed!” “Oi! Shut up!” Charlie smirked as Roxy continued to tease him “He’s also grounded” Charlie choked back a laugh when Eggsy’s face went red and he pointed with his braced hand “I am not grounded!” Roxy arched her eyebrow “oh really? How long did Arthur pull you from missions?” “A month” Charlie started to laugh and held his stomach, he looked at Eggsy’s face and just started to laugh again “Oh man, you’re grounded! Arthur grounded you!”

“Piss off!” Eggsy grumbled which caused Roxy laugh, Eggsy joined them a few moments later. Charlie shook his head, he was glad he came back when they asked him to. He was also glad he don’t go to that damn bunker with his father, he was a little sad that his father’s head was blown off but not really. He wiped his eyes and stated “Okay, who’s going first?” Roxy chuckled and did the same as did Eggsy, Roxy smirked and stated “Youngest first, Charlie when were you born?” “December 1990” Roxy’s look could only be classified as smug “Still the youngest Eggsy” Eggsy mocked her before he pulled the first block and read it out “Just a peck”

Eggsy glanced at Charlie “You okay, with playing this Bruv?” Charlie nodded and stated “I’m okay with it” Eggsy arched an eyebrow and Charlie stated with a smile “I’m Bi” Eggsy nodded and stated “Me ‘nd Rox are gay; maybe that’s why we get along?” They all shrugged before Eggsy shifted closer and went to lean in when Roxy stated “Ah! On the lips!” “What!” Roxy smirked at Eggsy who groaned and placed his hand on Charlie’s thigh and pecked his lips. When Eggsy pulled away Charlie stated “See it’s not horrible kissing me” with a smirk. “M’ gonna punch you” he grumbled before he sat back down. “That’s a point t’ me because I did it” Charlie nodded and smirked “Does it have to be just us?” Roxy blinked before she smirked as well “You mean expand our game to other agents?” Eggsy chuckled “More victims, and Roxy can find some girls to mess with” they all chuckled, Kingsman had no idea what was coming. 


	2. Lips Close Without Touching (30secs)

Charlie, Roxy and Eggsy walked together on the way to Arthur’s office. Their game on hold for now; they talked about when they came out and Charlie ran a hand through his tousled locks “I’m not actually out I guess, you two are the only ones who know” Eggsy blinked at him and stated “Mate, why didn’t you say something. Ya didn’t have to play wif us” Charlie chuckled “It’s okay Eggy, honestly. Just with my family it’s hard to being attracted to guys; everyone expects you to marry some rich girl and continue on the family name” Roxy nodded and stated “It’s the same with the Morton’s. Percival hasn’t came to any family gatherings in years, I honestly thought it was because he came out to my Grandmother but I guess Kingsman helped him stay away”

Charlie looked confused before Roxy explained “Percival is my uncle. I guess you didn’t know that” Charlie arched an eyebrow and stated “What else don’t I know?” Eggsy hummed before he stated “Harry’s looking into adopting me” two sets of eyes looked at him, he smiled “Oh yeah surprise” Roxy smiled and pulled him into a hug “That’s awesome Eggsy! Now Dean can’t touch you” Eggsy smiled and winked “That’s the plan” they laughed and joked until they got to the office, Eggsy knocked and opened the door when told to. He smiled when he saw four people standing in the office with Harry and Merlin. Three guys and a girl, Eggsy walked in; Charlie and Roxy following before they closed the door, the two froze as Eggsy walked up to them.

“Hey guys” Charlie stared as an older man, the same height as Eggsy, dressed in dark blue jeans with an open just as dark blue overcoat, smirked and tilted his cowboy hat. He stood up and Charlie ran his eyes down his chest and crisp white shirt, an equally dark blue tie around his neck, he held his hand out and shook it “Good to see you kid” oh no. He’s hot.

Roxy was thinking the same thing as she took in the only female who was the shortest of them, she had a nice dark color to her skin and her short brown hair fit well; she had issued glasses on and stood next to the oldest looking one, so she must be their handler. She had dark dress pants on that made her legs look amazing, a slimming waist coat over a crisp white long sleeve shirt. She hugged Eggsy when he got close. Damn she was hot!

“Hey, let me introduce ya t’ me mates, yeah?” Eggsy stated before the two walked in closer, Eggsy smiled and pointed to them “this is Agent Lancelot and Agent Bors” they waved before Eggsy turned to the others “These are the Statesman, Agent Whiskey, Agent Ginger Ale, Agent Tequila and their boss Champagne” they all shook hands before Champagne smiled “Please, Call me Champ” Eggsy then explained “They saved Arthur after he got shot by Valentine; so what are you guys doing here?” Eggsy arched any eyebrow “Vacation?” Ginger Ale huffed a little “I wish, someone decided to mess with my things while I was away from my station and fired our system”

Eggsy looked at Tequila who held up his hands with a smirk as he chewed on gum “Not me this time” Eggsy looked over at Whiskey who stated “Oh come on. How the hell was I supposed to know it was going to go off?” Whiskey stated as he rolled his eyes “Couldn’t save it with yer skippin’ rope” Whiskey pointed a finger at Eggsy “It’s a lasso, kid. And if memory serves me right, which it does, my lasso kicked your ass last time” Champ laughed and stated “Hey now, no harm done. We’re just gonna be stay for awhile. Thank you again Arthur” Harry smiled and stood up, he held his hand out “Think nothing of it, you saved my life. It’s the least I can do” Champ shook it before he stated “Hows about a tour?” Eggsy nodded and they headed out, while they all walked Whiskey leaned over to Charlie and stated “You’re Bors, right?”

Charlie blinked and kept his blush under control before he nodded and held his hand out “Yes sir” Whiskey took it and shook it while laughing “Whiskey is fine, kid” Charlie slightly smiled, he looked forward and saw Eggsy smirking at him. Charlie glared before Eggsy’s smirk grew; after a quick tour of the place the Statesman followed Merlin except Tequila who smirked at Eggsy. “So Eggsy. How’s that crush going?” Eggsy glared up at him before he stated “Donknow, hows yer crush going, Mike” Tequila stopped chewing on his gum and narrowed his eyes before he stated “Cocky fuck” Eggsy winked at him before he smirked “Wanna play a game” Tequila looked at him before looking at the other two before he stated “Y’all gonna kill me or somethin‘?”

Three laughed before Charlie shook his head “Not like that, it’s Jenga. Only dirty” Tequila arched an eyebrow and stated “Sounds like fun, let’s get to it” Eggsy smiled and lead them back to his room, once inside Tequila whistled and stated “Mighty fancy room ya got here, Eggsy” “Fanks, ya can hang yer coat up there” “Much appreciated” he stated before he stripped off his denim jacket and hung it up before he removed his hat and placed it over his jacket. “Okay so how do y’all play this?” He asked as he sat down with a small grunt, he stretched on leg out and Eggsy arched an eyebrow “Twisted my knee goin’ afta some hick. I’m cleared for missions, but it’ll stiffen up on long trips” Eggsy nodded before he explained the rules again “We decided to go after anyone, and different agents have different points. The house staff are worth one point, tech department is worth two points, clinic department is worth three points, and handlers are four points, field agents are five and then Merlin, Arthur or Champ is worth six points. But one of the other players have t’ watch ya do the act or it doesn’t count”

Tequila nodded and stated “How do we do take turns” Roxy smirked “It goes by age, so Eggsy starts because he’s the youngest. When were you born?” “88” they nodded “Okay so you would go last” Tequila smirked “I figured I was the oldest here” Roxy smirked and pulled a block out and red it off “Get your lips close without touching for thirty seconds” she nodded “I can do this, come here Charlie” “why me again?” He asked as Roxy scooted closer and stated “Because you smell better than Eggsy” Tequila laughed as Eggsy smelt his shirt with a frown, he smelt fine. Roxy smirked and leaned in, she snorted slightly as they stared at each other. “this is weird” Charlie stated while Eggsy watched the time “Man Rox, you got an easy one”

Roxy pulled back and smirked “It’s fair” before they turned to Charlie. “Alright Bruv. Yer next” Charlie took a deep breath before he pulled one out slowly, when he turned it around his face went red, Roxy leaned over and started to laugh. “Do I have to?” Tequila smirked “I reckon that if ya don’t, ya get spanked” Charlie groaned “Fuck me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Score thus far:
> 
> Eggsy - 5  
> Roxy - 5  
> Charlie - 0  
> Tequila - 0


	3. Go Commando and Trading Shirts with a Banana added

Eggsy smirked and leaned forward “Come on Bruv, wha’ did ya pull?” Charlie’s face just went darker before he mumbled his torture. Tequila leaned forward and cupped his ear before stating “I’m sorry?” “Go Commando” Charlie snapped which caused them all to laugh, Charlie grumbled and Eggsy stated “Are ya gonna do it or get spanked” Charlie stood up and headed to the built in suite, he slammed the door which caused more laughing before Eggsy got up and handed him a pair of sweatpants through the door “Fuck you!” Charlie hissed as he snatched the pants and closed the door loudly again.

Eggsy sat back down and state “I can’t believe he’s actually doing it” Roxy nodded before the door opened and Charlie dropped his pants and boxers on the ground “There” “Charlie at least you have five points like us” Roxy teased before she reached over and pulled a pant leg which made the band slip down, before Charlie snatched them up; but it was far enough to confirm that, yes Charlie Hesketh was going commando. Roxy grinned before Tequila shifted with a grunt “My turn” he reached and plucked one from the bottom “So What happens when it falls?” The three shrugged “Start over?” “How long do I have to be like this?” “End of game” “Bloody hell” Tequila smirked “For being some fancy agency, y’all curse then a chicken in molasses” he looked up and noticed their confused looks, he shook his head “Never mind. So I got trade shirts with another player”

They looked around at each other before Tequila looked at Charlie “Look’s you’re the only one that fit me” Charlie arched and eyebrow “Oh no, your not putting my shirt on. Come one, we’ll find you a shirt in my room you can wear” they chuckled and stood up, Charlie blushed and stated “I hate all of you” before he walked out, Eggsy chuckled and stated “At least my pants fit ya! Yer so damn tall” Charlie smirked at him “You’re just short” Tequila laughed with Roxy before they headed to Charlie’s room and Charlie found a shirt that Tequila could fit, they both pulled their shirts off and Charlie made sure to hang his white one up before he looked over at Tequila, holy shit the man had muscles! Charlie slipped Tequila’s shirt on which thankfully was just a normal T-shirt, which Tequila did the same; now Tequila was a bit more bucklier than Charlie so the shirt was a little tight but nothing bad.

While Charlie slightly swam in the shirt “I feel stupid” Charlie grumbled as Eggsy had a hand over his mouth and was trying not to laugh, Charlie was so busy glaring at Eggsy he didn’t notice Roxy taking her phone out until the camera snapped. Roxy looked up and then at Eggsy before she smirked and bolted “Roxanne! Give me that!” Charlie yelled as he followed her, Eggsy laughed and followed with Tequila; the two kept running around until they were stopped by Whiskey and Percival. Percival arched an eyebrow as he looked over them as did Whiskey “Roxanne” the tall and thin agent greeted “Hey Uncle Percival, Agent Whiskey” Tequila and Eggsy came up and Eggsy smirked “What are y’all doing? Tequila why is Bors wearing your shirt?” Whiskey asked as Charlie blushed slightly “Well you see, Whiskey. He spilt somethin’ on his shirt and I’m taking a lesson on being a gentleman and offered my shirt”

Whiskey nodded and glanced back at Charlie, he raked his eyes over him before he shook his head “You know what, I don’t even want to know” he chuckled and waved his hand before he walked away with Percival “Behave” was thrown over the older agents shoulder before Roxy stated “Didn’t know you for a _Whiskey_ drinker, Charlie” Tequila bit his lip as Charlie answered “Not normally but I- wait” Tequila and Eggsy snorted as Charlie turned to Roxy “I hate you” Roxy smirked and headed back to Eggsy’s room, “So you’ve said” Eggsy checked the time before picking his poison from the middle, he smirked and stated “Perfect, it’s lunch time. Eat a banana without breaking eye contact”

They made it to the dining room and gathered their food, Eggsy looked around before he found a supervisor from the Tech Department eating alone “Jason, mind if we join?” The man looked up at the four before he smiled “Will be my honor” he then held his hand out to Tequila “You must be a Statesman, I’m Jason. I’m one of the supervisors for the Tech Department” Tequila shook it and stated “Tequila. Ya must have talked to Ginger Ale then” he nodded and laughed “She’s like a female Merlin. It was kinda scary” They talked while they ate and after while Eggsy leaned on an elbow as he began to eat his banana keeping eye contact with Jason. They could tell Jason was weirded out but being a gentleman even for the Tech Department it was rude to look away while talking.

Tequila hid his laughter behind a cough as Eggsy continued the convocation and ate the banana, once Eggsy was finished Jason excused himself. Eggsy chuckled and stated “This is fun” he leaned back and smirked. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Score:
> 
> Eggsy - 7  
> Roxy - 5  
> Charlie - 5  
> Tequila - 5  
> ??? - 0


	4. Gonna Twerk (30secs) and Kiss (60secs) Before I Leave You a Hickey to the Thigh

When they got back to the bedroom, Roxy was ready for her turn. She decided to play it safe and go for more of the top of the tower, she gently pulled it and glared at the words “Nope. I refuse” Eggsy arched an eyebrow “Come on Love, wha’ is it?” Charlie chuckled “Twerk for thirty seconds” Roxy shook her head “I’m not going to do that” she crossed her arms and Tequila tisked “Then ya gonna get spanked” she blushed and stated “Fine, guess I’m going to get spanked” 

The three looked at her before each other “Come on Rox, Charlie is going free-” “Don’t say it like that” “You can’t twerk for us?” Eggsy smirked as he completely ignored Charlie, Roxy arched an eyebrow and stated “Nope. I will never dance that. I don’t care what happens” “So, would everyone spank her. God that sound awful” Tequila shook his head “My momma told me never to hit a lady, even if she asks for it” Eggsy and Roxy glanced at each other “Three swats?” Eggsy shrugged “One for each player” Roxy stated “I can handle that. If they sting, I’m going to punch you” 

Eggsy looked at Charlie who stated “All yours ‘Bruv’” Eggsy looked around before he found a ruler “We’ll use this. It’s not too hard and that way M’ not touching ya butt. It’s just way too weird” Roxy nodded and stood up before she turned, Eggsy gave her three swats before she stated “It would have been anything and I would have done it” she sat down and grumbled “Go Charlie” Charlie picked from the top as well and groaned “There’s no fun with it being just us but I’m not like Eggy who can go around kissing people” Charlie stated as he ran his hand through his hair “Kiss for sixty seconds” 

Eggsy chuckled “Yeah I would randomly kiss someone, so me or Mike?” Charlie thought about it and glanced at Tequila “Are you okay with this? I already kissed Eggy” Tequila chuckled and stated “Nice of ya to check. I’ve done my fair share of kisses guys. I’m fine with it” Charlie nodded and sighed deeply before he shifted closer “Ah! On the lips!” Eggsy and Roxy stated together, Charlie flipped them off before he leaned in and pressed his lips against Tequila’s. Tequila, thankfully, stayed still for the sixty seconds, Charlie pulled back once Eggsy stated it was time and sat back down, Eggsy chuckled at Charlie’s redden face that he didn’t notice Tequila went until he heard him state “Give a hickey to the inner thigh” 

Eggsy blinked and stated, “Who are ya doing that t’?” Tequila smirked and stated “Well I don’t fancy woman, no offense” Roxy waved him off with a kind smile “I already kissed Bors. So the leave ya” Eggsy felt his face burn dark before he mumbled “Fuck me. Can’t ya find someone else” “Nope” Eggsy grumbled and stated “Fine” he stood up and unbuttoned his jeans and slid one creamy leg out “Just one and by the knee” Tequila nodded and Eggsy sat in the bed and swallowed as Tequila moved to sit by his knees on the ground, he picked up Eggsy’s left leg and ran his hand up his leg before he stated “Why is ya skin so soft?”

Eggsy blushed even darker and smacked him with a pillow, Tequila chuckled and kissed the spot a hand length up from his knee before he quietly sucked and teased the spot with his teeth, he ignored Roxy and Charlie as he tended to the area, Eggsy was watching with a dark blush. A minute later Tequila pulled away and there was a very dark mark on his leg “Yer awful” “Nah, just know how to use my mouth” he winked which caused Eggsy to smack him again, Eggsy slid his pants back in and just buttoned them when his door was knocked on. They all jumped and knocked the game down before Arthur opened his door and arched an eyebrow “So this is where three of my agents have gone. Whiskey I found Tequila” 

Whiskey looked in and arched an eyebrow with a frown “We’ve been looking for you guys, forever” Arthur shook his head and stated “Get changed. You’re running laps” Charlie glanced at Eggsy and Roxy who smirked, Tequila grunted as he stood up. 

Merlin frowned as he watched Eggsy, Tequila, Charlie and Roxy run laps, he glanced at Harry who shook his head and stated “They’re up to something. I just know it” he grumbled before he walked away, Merlin’s grip tightened on his table a little when his eyes landed on a dark mark on the inside of Eggsy’s thigh, a hand length up for his knee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Score 
> 
> Eggsy - 7  
> Roxy - 5  
> Charlie - 10  
> Tequila - 10  
> ??? - 0


	5. Epilogue - Another player joins and it gets shut down

Harry hummed as he walked through the halls, his attention on the tablet in his hands; he noticed Eggsy and his friends walking to him, they parted to let him past. He stopped and turned around and watched them leave, did...did they pinch his bum?!

Eggsy snorted once they were far enough away, he glanced over his shoulder “I pinched him, did anyone else?” He smirked when Tequila raised his hand, Charlie and Roxy shook their heads “I couldn’t do it” “It’s just too weird” Tequila smirked “I do believe that’s six points for me and Eggsy and three swats for your asses” they groaned as Eggsy and Tequila high fived, the headed back to Eggsy bedroom and the two got their three swats. Eggsy bounced slightly “Let’s do it again, I want to know how many we can get away with” 

Roxy shook her head “What about taking turns?” Tequila smirked “I think we’re all past that” Charlie and Roxy agreed before they decided to stay with the butts, they joked around as they walked the grounds. In total, Charlie has pinched three Tech Department butts, two handler butts and Kay’s butt giving him nineteen points, Roxy has pinched all fourteen of the female house staff’s butts and two handlers giving her twenty-two points. Tequila has pinched two House staff’s butt, four Tech Department, a handler and Whiskey also giving him nineteen points. Eggsy, the cheeky tart, had pinched Harry twice, Whiskey, Percival and four handlers. Which made him in the lead with thirty-six points. 

Harry’s about had enough of it, he found them laughing in the dining room and was going to put a stop to it, he arched an eyebrow as he walked up and they stopped laughing “Hey Harry” Eggsy smiled widely before Harry gave a smirk back and stated “Mind telling me why you four have been pinching butts all day?” They all looked at each other as he continued “I would expect this from Eggsy and Tequila, I’m surprised he’s snagged you two” Tequila groaned and stated “You mean you’ve known all day?” Harry arched an eyebrow “You mean since you passed me this morning and pitched my own bum? Yes I’ve known all day” his eyebrow arched higher when Charlie chuckled and Eggsy groaned “Bloody hell, all that and we lose everything”

“This a game you’re playing?” All four blushed before Eggsy explained how they got from playing. Jenga to competing against each other, Harry blinked and arched an eyebrow before he stated “I’m disappointed in you. Now clean up and run laps; maybe then you’ll think twice before playing a game in a agency” Harry turned and left.

Party pooper. The four got up and cleaned their area before heading out and running the track. At that point they made a note to play again…only not at the manor 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I found this lost chapter in the cobwebs of my stories, and decided to finally update it. So it’s finished

**Author's Note:**

> Haha; Happy New Year! I saw this on Tumblr and couldn’t help myself. So this is just the beginning.


End file.
